Hail Fanatics! Battesai from Southern Painting reporting to you the great G(r)eek philosophies once again! Do you ever show up at a gaming club or local game store and you see that one guy or girl, that just grinds your gears? The backseat gamer that will make your cholera rise to very unhealthy levels? Then this little piece is for you! We are exploring the different types of whiners and grievers in our benevolent hobby!

DISCLAIMER: This article is a satirical piece on different, exaggerated stereotypes of different behaviors found amongst all of us in the hobby. The intent of this article is to be ironic, not condemning anyone in any way. Then again if you find yourself thinking ”that’s just like me” while reading, remember, you are ”that guy”, you don’t want to be ”that guy”. Happy reading! 

There are several types of people, or stereotypes which we could all do without. It is time we explore these, understand what makes them tick, so we don’t lose our minds completely next time we encounter these wonderfully ”colorful” people.

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THE BACK SEAT PLAYER

Recognizable traits: oblivious, obnoxious, talk more than play, travel solo

Playing miniature and boardgames is  very social endeavor, but there is always one of those dudes or dudettes that just won’t take a hint. You are sitting there fully focused on your next turn. Movement phase starts and you scuttle your brave warriors across the board. When the last base touches it’s new position, that is their queue ”Why did you put those fire warriors there?” ”I would move that over there instead to shoot his wraith knight” ”Are you sure about that?” and the list goes on and on. Personally I have no problem telling people off, especially people that I know. These are the worst at tournaments or joint events, where people from many different forums meet up to roll dice and have fun. You can’t really head butt someone for interfering, although it would be like sweet aloe balm for your soul. If Dante were to rewrite Inferno for gamers, these bad boys would easily have one of the circles closest to the devil, because their push into darkness is formidable.

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THE RULE CRITIC AKA THE ”3.5:ER”

Recognizable traits: meta ”purists”, FAAC, negative tone, usually in some sort of physical discomfort or pain (butt hurt much?)

I love these guys. We all know at least one dude or dudette that is stuck in the good old days of CSM codex 3.5. And they never moved on. But there is more to them. Because we can all sympathize with Chaos players for being quite shafted for a rather long time when it comes to the rules (even though recent releases and allies put together both FAAC and WAAC players should be satisfied, but what do I know?).

 

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The rule critic will bitch about the rules of their army, or role, no matter what and blame it ALL on the rules. And remember your army is ALWAYS over powered. They will complain that their army has too few solid choices, their army can’t be played the way they want, choices in their army suck. I have seen people table their opponent and STILL bitch about that their army sucks, because ”yeah, I won, but I wasn’t supposed to win like this, but my army sucks so I have to do it like this”.  And it can go further than that, they can always find something with the actual rules of the game, that they pick on. You see this a lot in board gaming, especially Euro games, that are known to be balanced, but no the rule treats THEM unfairly because they can’t figure it out. Shut up… Just, shut up. What’s next, they are going to call me a cheater for using an airbrush while I paint?

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EL CHEAPO

Recognizable traits: never buys a round but gladly accepts, devil’s advocate, unpainted minis, many projects running but none actually finished, complains about new releases

There can be a lot said about El Cheapo, usually self proclaimed geek-o-nomics major, who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Cheap people in general are mildly fun to hang out with. They never buy back, they are for some reason usually late and they pay little to no attention to their stuff, be it gaming equipment or clothing or whatever. Now, don’t confuse El Cheapo with someone who just holds on to their money. There is a major difference. A poor or economical person will share when they feel they can, they are grateful and they are generally happy, even if Ramen for two weeks straight will make anyone cry.

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El Cheapo isn’t grateful, they can afford their stuff, they just refuse on general principal to buy it. This is very common behavior with those who whine about GW pricing. They will go out of their way to get a replacement or proxy model, because they are hellbent on that GW are expensive. They will go so far, that they will even spend more money and time to get an alternative, that it ends up costing them more than they refused to pay in the first place ( I never claimed that El Cheapo had any intelligence worth mentioning). El Cheapo is the guy who will propagate the death of GW, just because they saw a picture online of someone printing replicas with a 3D printer. But they are so thick that they don’t understand the initial cost of a good printer, material cost and time. But go right ahead and do that, I will be enjoying my fully painted armies, that I can take to any event, while you play grab-ass at home with your ”nearly done” cheap project, drinking your cheap ”just like Coke”, listening to Depeche Mode…

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THE GREYS

Recognizable traits: Hoarders, always borrow glue for repairs, neck beards (both literally and figuratively), plays every game and system known to man

This has been a debate for a long long long time… And I know, not everyone is in it for the hobby and doesn’t really enjoy painting. But would it really kill you to try? Would it? Most people paint their army. And take it from me, I have been at this for 17 years, of which I have painted professionally for 5; I have seen some really horrific paint jobs in my days, some of them even mine. But, and the but is BIG, any painted standard is a standard and looks far better than plastic grey. Call me purist, but just paint your freackin’ minis!!! If you can afford to buy a new army every month you can afford to hire a commission painter! DO IT!!!!!! An unpainted mini is a sad mini, and sad minis turn to HERESY!!!!

”But I can’t paint, thus I don’t need to”. This self-entitlement bullshit has to go. Nobody is good at painting when they start. Some of us chug it through best we can, some of us excel at it and learn cool techniques, pick up an airbrush, use pigments. And without missing a beat the greys also become whiners, because an airbrush is clearly cheating, you can’t paint for shit without it. Then buy one, see how well you do. That’s what I thought…

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WAILING BANSHEES

Recognizable traits: look like anyone (stealthy bastards), draining low energy demeanor, never satisfied, usually combo with 3,5:er, passive aggressive

If you feel like everything is against you, the game is broken, your army sucks, your painting sucks, your friends suck and your army book sucks, then my friend, you need to see a doctor. For real. Our hobby has a lot of outcasts swarming to it, who seek social refuge and acceptance within our ranks, our arms are wide open. But depression is a serious matter.

BUT!!!! There are cherry f-ckers out there who still bitch and moan about everything, but not explicitly like the 3.5:er, no no no no! It is this wailing, this you can’t-place-your-finger-on-it complaining that just doesn’t stop and it prickles ever so slightly at your very core. 3.5:ers are vocal and it is easy to spot them. These guys sneak up on you mid-game with a general bring-me-down psychological attack. A perfect example of this is if you play a board game with more than two players. And the action starts pooling around one specific or two players. The banshee starts complaining that no one is paying attention to them, even if they are in the lead, even if they have no interest in the battle happening across the table. Wallowing in passive aggressive banter, these guys can easily merit a spot on Carlin’s list ”People I could do without”.

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STICKY FINGERS

Recognizable traits: Clumsy, snacking on something, no sense of personal space, oblivious to pretty much everything

Unlike the backseat player, sticky fingers are more subtle but oh ever so more annoying. This is the dude or dudette which you could basically add a background line saying ”OOH WHAT DOES THIS BUTTON DO?” and that would suffice as their conversation. They pick up and touch EVERYTHING. Especially the stuff they shouldn’t. Minis or game pieces mid game. Your freshly painted, not even dried project, your snacks, their snacks, snacks while touching mini, snacking mini GAAAAAH!!!! Sometimes I wish I had a 10′ pole I could bury in these guys’ chests and just push them to the other side of the room, while screaching ”NOW STAY THERE!”.

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I can’t take it any more! – Parting words

There are many more stereotypes we could’ve brought up here; cheaters, push-movers, overly enthusiastic and aggressive players etc.  Many of the stereotypes we have gone through, could’ve been avoided if we stuck to simple medieval punishment methods.

Simple stuff such as cutting off fingers (looking at you sticky finger), put them in a vice, banish them from the village so they become someone else’s problem or just simply have a good ol’ stake where we burn them, in the name of the Emperor, as heretics.

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Here at Spikey Bits and Southern Painting we love all fanatics and all are welcome to enrich our benevolent hobby. We just imply that you go in with an open heart, open mind and a smile. Be cool, don’t be an asshole. Because this hobby is for all of us, not just for you.

 

 

Happy Hobbying,

 

Battesai

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